“East of Eden" and the power of choosing differently in your relationship
Simple Love Counseling | Charleston and Virtual Couples & Relationship Counseling
You love your partner, but somehow you keep ending up in the same argument. Maybe the topic changes, but the feeling doesn't. One of you pushes to talk, the other pulls away, and you both end up feeling misunderstood. You tell yourself that next time will be different, only to find yourself right back in the same place. After a while, it can start to feel like this is just who you are as a couple. This is just what your relationship is now: disappointment and frustration.
Netflix's new limited series, East of Eden, brings up a question that matters in relationships: does our past decide our future, or do we still have a choice? Are we doomed to repeat the same cycles over and over again, or can we change?
Adapted by Zoe Kazan from John Steinbeck's novel and starring Florence Pugh as Cathy Ames, the series explores family history, hurt, and the choices people make with what they have been handed. One word at the heart of that story offers a hopeful way to think about couples therapy: timshel.
What does “timshel" mean?
In East of Eden, the character Lee and the family’s much needed moral compass, explores the meaning of a Hebrew word in the story of Cain and Abel. His understanding of timshel is "thou mayest." In plain language, “you may choose.” Your future isn't already decided by your family history or your worst mistake.
This is the story's interpretation of the word, and it becomes especially important for Cal Trask later in the series as he wrestles with whether he is destined to repeat the role he was handed in the family and the harm it causes. Without giving away the ending, timshel leaves room for a different future. That doesn't mean the past doesn't matter. It means the past isn't the only thing that matters. There is also what we do next. It is the power of choice and free will.
“This is just how we are" is bullshit
In a relationship, it can be easy to turn a pattern into an identity. "We're just bad at communicating." "I'm not an emotional person." "They always shut down." "We've never been good at talking about hard things." When you have had the same argument enough times, those statements can feel like facts. Those facts take on a personality of their own and feel cemented into who you are and what your relationship is. When behaviors happen enough times, we start to use them as cemented descriptors for personality. But describing what has happened isn't the same as deciding what has to happen next. Humans have neuroplasticity which means the brain can learn and adapt to different things if we let it.
Maybe you grew up in a home where everyone yelled to be heard. Maybe conflict meant someone stopped speaking to you, so now you panic when your partner gets quiet. Or maybe you learned to keep your needs to yourself because bringing them up never went well. Understanding the WHY can help you make sense of the behavioral patterns you play out in your relationship. It doesn't take away accountability for how you treat your partner or how they treat you. You can understand where a behavior comes from and still decide it needs to change.
Choosing differently in an actual argument
Let's say you've been wanting more time together. Lately, you feel like roommates. One evening, your partner is on their phone while you're trying to talk, and you say, "You're always on that thing. You never care about spending time with me." Your partner hears an accusation and responds, "I can't even relax without you starting something." You push harder. They go quiet. Now you're arguing about the argument, and neither of you is talking about the thing you actually wanted: connection.
Choosing differently might start with noticing that turn before you take it. Instead of trying to prove how often your partner lets you down, you could say, "I've been missing you. Could we put our phones down and spend a little time together tonight?" Your partner then has a choice, too. Instead of jumping straight into defending themselves, they could say, "I didn't realize you were feeling that way. I do want time with you. Can I finish this message, and then we can sit together?"
This doesn't guarantee a perfect response. Your partner may still get defensive. You may still feel frustrated. Choosing differently means changing your part of the conversation, not controlling theirs. And if you've already snapped, the opportunity isn't gone. "That came out as an attack. Let me try again" is a different choice. So is, "I need a break to calm down, but I want to come back to this. Can we try again in half an hour?" A break with a plan to return is different from leaving someone wondering whether the conversation is over for good.
Where couples therapy can help
Knowing what you want to do differently and actually doing it when you're hurt are two different things. It is much easier to talk about staying calm when you aren't in the middle of a fight! Couples therapy gives you a place to slow the conversation down. You can look at what happens between you, what each of you is feeling, and where you tend to get stuck. Instead of spending the whole conversation deciding who started it, you can start asking, "What happened here, and what could we do differently?"
That might mean practicing how to ask for something without attacking, listening without immediately preparing a defense, or naming the hurt underneath your frustration. It might mean learning how to repair after an argument instead of sweeping it under the rug.
Both partners are responsible for their own behavior. One person cannot do all the work of creating a different relationship. Of course, there is always a caveat. When there is abuse, intimidation, or fear, the focus needs to be safety and appropriate support, not finding a nicer way to communicate or sharing blame.
A different next step in your relationship
The hope in timshel isn't that change is easy. It's that change is possible. You don't have to pretend the hurt never happened, and you don't have to become a completely different person overnight. You can start with the next conversation. A clearer request. An honest apology. A pause before the comment you know will hurt. A willingness to listen when you would usually shut down. A different choice. “Thou mayest”. You can choose.
If you and your partner feel stuck in the same fight or disconnected from each other, couples therapy can be a place to begin working on those choices together. At Simple Love Counseling, I offer virtual couples counseling for clients in South Carolina. Schedule a free consultation to see if we're a good fit.
Your past is part of your story. What you choose next is part of it, too.
Timsel.
Katie Bonanno, LMFT
Meet Katie!
Katie is a licensed marriage and family therapist helping couples and individuals get out of the rut and bring light back into their relationships. Katie has helped individuals and couples with communication, getting out of the conflict cycle, self-esteem, letting go of resentment, and more. Katie also enjoys planning fun and interactive events that challenges couples to use their communication and problem solving skills in addition to making new and fun memories with each other.
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